Durian fruit: mother nature's scrotum

One notable element of the weekend requires separate mention as the hard-working nation of Malaysia does not need to be implicated.

After finishing a great meal Saturday evening at a posh Malaysian restaurant we surprised one member of our group with a birthday dessert; a slice of cheesecake flavored with a common south pacific fruit and adorned with your standard birthday candle. The candle was blown out, forks were passed around and the birthday boy took a healthy bite before sliding it over for the rest of the group to taste. Little routines like this make you feel at home. Any time waiting staff eeks out the "Happy Birthday" song you can't help but feel this could be taking place at the local AppleBees. Familiar scenes are comforting away from home. And as the cheesecake was passed down to me I was ready to dive into a sweet mouthful of childhood memories. But this did not happen. All comfort was ripped away once I tasted feet mixed with donkey vomit. One second I am in my happy place and the next I question if I have a sewer rat in my mouth. This was not dessert. I let out a sound similar to what the new guy in a men's prison would make. The rest of the group answer my pleas suggesting what I am tasting is the fruit ingredient. But fruit normally does not make me curse.

How bad could it be, you ask? Give me the Pepsi challenge with this pungent flavor vs. a urinal cake and well...lets just say it tasted so bad I had an emotional outburst. People tried to calm me by telling me how it is banned by airlines because of its pungent smell. Stories don't help when I am tasting rancid garbage in my mouth. It was so bad that now when I think of Satan ordering a fruit smoothie I imagine that orange juice is not involved. Not bananas nor a single berry of any kind. When Lucifer goes to Jamba Juice he instead looks forward to 32 ounces of only one item; Durian fruit.

Taking a bite of this crapcoction was a godless experience. It was so bad the next time I see my friend Dorean, I will be angry with him because his name sounds too similar to this awful substance. Anyone reading this knows that I love food of all races and creeds so it should mean a lot to know that I would not take the 500 ringgit bet placed from the group for me to eat the remaining portion of cheesecake. While I went off about how much I hated that thing someone quickly looked up pictures on the internets. This damn thing even failed the eye test. They are big and resemble a spiky brown volleyball. The meat of the fruit looks similar to an animal organ you would see on a butcher table. This is fitting since nothing about its scent suggests it is genetically similar to the strawberry. It is fleshy in nature and when cut open, coupled with the aggressive shell, looks like intestines stuffed in a sea urchin. So this was a Malaysian birthday cake that boasted the rich flavor of rotten moose spleen in every bite. My AppleBees never served this.

Given this fruit as an option I would take Fear Factor happy meals any day of the week. Joe Rogan, take me away.